


Nothing worse than all of this

by samariumwriting



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Communication, Disabled Character, Established Relationship, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Ableism, Insecurity, M/M, Scars, Sleepy Cuddles, Trans Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:34:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27746797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samariumwriting/pseuds/samariumwriting
Summary: After several months of their relationship, Felix asks Sylvain if they can have sex. But when they get down to it, he's nervous, and Sylvain can't shake the feeling that he doesn't want this at all.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 16
Kudos: 71





	Nothing worse than all of this

**Author's Note:**

> Every time I write about Sylvix having sex it's always about it going wrong. Rip to them both
> 
> Minor warnings for references to past ableism, unintentional ableism, and a reference to past injury and surgery

"And you're absolutely, completely sure?" Sylvain asked, his hands at Felix's top button. Felix nodded.

"How many times do I need to say it?" he asked. He didn't seem that irritated, not really, but... Sylvain was worried.

Felix didn't normally say he wanted anything from their relationship. Sometimes it made Sylvain feel selfish, like all he was doing was taking, but he hoped that maybe Felix was getting what he wanted all the same. Sure, they'd never  _ talked  _ about it, but Felix wasn't the type to keep quiet if he was irritated.

And yet, after months of complete silence on the subject, even a rejection or three (it was three. Sylvain counted), Felix came up to him that evening and asked for sex. It left Sylvain spluttering into his dinner, unsure of what to say, and all of  _ that  _ left them here.

Felix sat on the bed like he'd rather be anywhere else, demanding more than he ever had before. When their eyes met, Sylvain finally meeting Felix’s resolute gaze, he could only wonder if maybe he'd pushed Felix just a little too far.

"You don't need to say it any more," Sylvain confirmed. Felix's expression acquired a satisfied smile. "But you'll stop me if you change your mind, won't you?"

"Of course," Felix said, relaxing his shoulders just a little. It made Sylvain feel the tiniest bit better. "If I suddenly, after several months of a relationship with you, decide that you're unattractive, I'll tell you to stop sleeping with me."

He offered Sylvain what could only be described as a smile to top off his joke, but Sylvain wasn't convinced. That wasn't what he'd meant, and they both knew it. He could only hope that Felix took his words seriously in that way too.

"Alright," he said. "I'll get on with it, then." With that, he undid the first button at Felix's collar, taking a moment to press their lips together. Felix was still very, very stiff, so he'd have to pull out all the stops.

He went from the first button to the second, then the third, and Goddess why did Felix's shirt have so many buttons? It couldn't be practical, and it was making this way more drawn out than it needed to be. But Sylvain couldn't ignore the way Felix's breath had quickened under the workings of his hands, and that only encouraged him, spurring him to keep going after another quick kiss.

It was when he got down to the lower parts of Felix's shirt when he first felt something amiss. His fingers brushed skin, just as before, but it felt- different. Wrong. It definitely didn't feel like skin.

He paused, and Felix froze along with him. "Is there something wrong?" he asked, voice slightly too tight. He was nervous, and Sylvain did his best not to grimace. He'd only make it worse.

"Nope," he said. "All good. You just have... really sexy rib bones?" He wiggled his fingers towards them, and Felix let out a sharp breath.

"Alright," he said. "Hurry up."

"Okay, okay," Sylvain said with a laugh, moving to unbutton the rest of Felix's shirt. The light was low, because Felix hadn't wanted to do this with too much visibility, but he could tell something was slightly off, and Sylvain was starting to get a better idea of what that was.

It was clearer once Felix's shirt was neatly folded on the bed: his stomach was mottled with scarring that only seemed to intensify as it got closer to the waistband of his trousers. Sylvain didn't want to react, knowing that this must have been what Felix was so nervous about, but he couldn't help it. "Holy shit," he whispered.

Felix jerked his whole body away, and Sylvain cursed himself internally. Really shouldn't have done that. "Guess the light isn't low enough," he said, half forcing out a laugh that was so obviously, painfully fake. "Get on with it. Say your piece."

"I don't have anything to say," Sylvain said firmly, though there were a hundred questions on the tip of his tongue. Did they hurt? Would Felix object if he kissed them, or were the nerve endings dulled? "You seem pretty tense. Still wanna keep going?"

"Of course," Felix snapped. "Why wouldn't I?"

Because the rate they were going, it would take Felix hours to unclench enough to actually orgasm. At least, that was what Sylvain wanted to say. Maybe it was what he  _ should  _ have said - but he didn't, because the thought of upsetting Felix more was even less appealing. "Good, just checking."

"You don't  _ need  _ to check," Felix said.

"I get it," Sylvain replied, trying not to get too frustrated. Felix had said this wasn't his first time, but it  _ was _ their first time together, and Sylvain wanted it to be good.

With dread building in the pit of his stomach, his hands moved to Felix's crotch. Felix pushed up into his hand insistently, but Sylvain was determined to take it slow. He hooked one finger behind the button of Felix's jeans, setting it loose, and then moved to his fly. Then, ever so steadily, he moved Felix's jeans over his hips and down his legs, until they were around his ankles.

If he'd thought Felix was scarred around his stomach, that was nothing compared to his waist, his legs. Sylvain almost dreaded taking his underwear off; he didn't want to see if it was any worse underneath.

His mouth was dry, but it wasn't in the hot way. Felix was stiff under his hands, and when Sylvain’s gaze flicked up to his face, Felix's eyes were closed. His expression could only be described as one of dread. "Felix?" he asked. An even deeper line appeared on Felix's forehead.

"Just fuck me already," Felix said. He was so tense.

"No," Sylvain answered, trying to keep his voice soft and even. Whatever this was, Felix wasn't enjoying it, so he wasn't going a single second further. "I won't."

"Great," Felix snapped. "Even you won't have sex with me."

Okay, ouch. Sylvain was pretty sure that was uncalled for, but he pushed the feeling aside for now and attempted a smile. "Hey, I don't have sex with  _ everyone.  _ But this doesn't have a thing to do with me. Or you, actually. It just... doesn't feel like the right time."

Felix pulled his knees up to his chest. It covered most of the scarring, but it didn't make Sylvain feel any better. "It's definitely me," he said. "You can say it is. I know what I look like."

"No, no!" Sylvain said. Goddess, he'd been so ready for sex that any reasoning powers had been long since shelved. "I think you're b-"

"If you say you think I look beautiful anyway," Felix said, thankfully interrupting Sylvain from saying _exactly_ that, "then I’ll stab you at breakfast tomorrow."

"You'd get arrested," Sylvain said weakly. He had no fucking clue where this conversation was going. "I more meant- I think you're getting the wrong idea. About why I didn't want to keep going."

"You saw my body, saw that I was nervous, and decided that I didn't want it," Felix shot back.

Oh. Okay. "Well, yeah," Sylvain said. "You looked—still look—really uncomfortable. Don't you wanna put your trousers back on?"

"I  _ wanted  _ to have sex with you," Felix shot back, "so maybe I was still holding out hope for that one."

"Arguments are kind of a boner killer," Sylvain admitted. "Maybe tomorrow?"

Felix leaned back with a laugh. He sounded exhausted. "I probably won't be any better tomorrow," he said. "This is- I mean, I suppose you can't imagine, but it doesn't get easier."

"I think I can imagine a little," Sylvain replied, then thought about what Felix was actually saying. "Maybe not." He shook his head; this was a mess. He'd definitely upset Felix, and it didn't feel like something that was easily fixed. He wished Felix had just  _ told  _ him, so it didn't catch him by surprise and then set them both off.

But Felix didn't really do the whole communicating with words thing, and they'd talked about  _ that  _ too. Felix hated it when he had to communicate something without even being asked, so he supposed they'd fallen into a trap of sorts.

Sylvain ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry," he said. He caught Felix's eyes, offering him an apologetic smile. "Maybe we can... talk about it? And then we can try again tomorrow."

Felix sighed, but nodded, pulling his trousers back up and patting the mattress beside him. "If you want to," he said.

"I do," Sylvain replied, joining him. After a moment, he slung an arm around Felix's shoulder, pulling him close, and he didn't seem nearly so tense anymore. Good. "So, what was that all about? Just nervous about how I was going to react?"

It was like a weight had been lifted from the room somehow. Now, Felix lent his head against Sylvain's shoulder and hummed. "Pretty much," he said. "They're pretty ugly and decidedly  _ not  _ sexy. I've had people back off before, and I couldn't shake the worry you'd be no different."

"I definitely lived up to your expectations there," Sylvain answered with a laugh. He sounded exactly as amused as he felt, which was not at all. "Sorry again. I wasn't really thinking."

Felix shrugged. "Neither was I," he admitted. "Except with my dick, I guess."

"You don't-"

"What do you know?" Felix challenged. "You didn't even  _ see  _ what I have there."

"I mean I don't, but-"

Felix laughed. "I don't have a dick," he confirmed, tucking his head closer against Sylvain's neck. His hair tickled, but Sylvain definitely wasn't going to complain. Felix's mood had improved so dramatically since they'd just... called the whole thing off for now. "Do you want to know where they come from?"

"Only if you want to say," Sylvain replied. He had the gist of it anyway from smatterings of past conversations; an accident, lots of nerve damage. Judging from the shape of some of the scars, maybe a surgery or two.

Felix exhaled. "Not really," he admitted. "But people tend to ask. I thought I'd give you the chance to sate your curiosity."

"If I wanted to know everything about my partner from the moment they were born to the present day, we probably wouldn't get on so well," Sylvain pointed out. He felt Felix smile into his neck, and tightened his arm around him.

"Probably not," Felix said. "Sometimes people ask if I can feel anything down there, or assume I can’t and think I'm just having sex for them."

"I did, a little," Sylvain admitted. He wasn't sure where all this  _ truth  _ was coming from, but Felix tended to draw it out of him. "Because we hadn't for so long, and I asked you a few times..."

"I made my decision," Felix said, "and I decided to trust you."

Sylvain nodded. "Did I... lose that trust tonight?" he asked. He would understand if he had; he'd done pretty much everything Felix didn't want him to do.

Instead, though, he felt Felix shake his head. "I think next time will be better," he said. "I think talking it out helped."

"Me too," Sylvain said. The residual anxiety hadn't left his mind, and he doubted Felix was feeling completely better either, but they'd made some progress. And it was just like Felix said - next time would be better, and if it wasn't, they'd still be okay.

"Can you sleep here tonight?" Felix half-mumbled into his shoulder.

Sylvain chuckled. "I already presumed I was," he answered. Felix's only reply was moving closer into his arms as Sylvain laid down properly, letting his comfort speak for itself.

Tomorrow would be better, and would probably dawn with Felix sprawled all over Sylvain as they slept. Sylvain couldn’t wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Ty for reading! :) if you enjoyed, please consider leaving a kudos/comment. I also have a twitter over @samariumwriting where I talk about fic and other things!


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